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Iceland
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Ah yes, Iceland. The Canada of Scandinavia.”
~ Björk on Iceland
“I stand on the duck. ”
~ Confucius on Icelandic poetry
“Are you Sure about that?”
~ Casper, a Dane on the quote below
“WE OWN THIS COUNTRY IN HANDBALL!!!!!!!”
~ Danes on Iceland
“You got no mountains lolololol!!!!!!!11!!”
~ Angry drunken Icelander on Danes
“Icelandic people are so weird, they think that Bjork is normal”
~ The Top Gear show on Iceland
“The randomness of this country makes me soil myself whenever I hear its name.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Iceland
“Damn. This place is cold.”
~ Captain Obvious on Iceland
“Greenland is very icy, but Iceland is very green!”
~ President of Greenland on Iceland

Iceland (As foreigners know it)

Official languages
Icelandish,Björkish

Proper Name
Icelandy, Icelandies,

Motto:
Crapulam terribiliem habeo: Neyðin kennir naktri konu að spinna
(Latin: "Necessity teaches a naked woman to spin")

Government:
A gigantic, overweight, dictating penguin

Military:
Coast guard, Penguins, Gunnar í Krossinum

Capital
Reykjavik

Religion
Look-worshiping, Ása-gothic, Feminism, Spoon-satanism, Fork-godism, Penguins, ice atheism "Positive Christianity"

Currency
ice

Exports
ice, Björk, Baugur-group, Baked beans, Kári Stefáns, Silvia Night, ice from Eden (A renowned crack-house), people with unpronouncable names

Imports
Thais, other orientals, Polish people, Stuff, Money, Sex, Bobby Fischer, Poles

Opening hours
Monday–Saturday from 06:32-19:01, Friday is "one night stand"-night and customers can choose between a dirty weekend or a clean one.

Independence
1944 (end of Denmarkish fooling around)
and then again in 1965 (With the complete destruction of Selfoss)

National anthem
"In Cod we trust" (formerly "What's wrong with beastality?!")

Natural Resources
ice, Dead grass, Puffins, ice

Official Cuisine
Ram testicles with lactose acid, Dried fish, Puffin roll-ups, Burnt sheep heads, Rotten shark with ammonium, Sheep jell-o, Pig jell-o, Sour milk, Skyr, Whale in a Bread bun

Iceland is the newest pop-punk group who follow in the footsteps of boy-band semi-pioneers Panic! At the Disco. It is also a semi-independent island state in the northern Atlantic Ocean. The dictator of Iceland's name is General Bruno von Oscarshmitzleheiner and he lives in a zoo. He has invaded poor little Burkina Faso and has made plans to wipe Serbia off the map.

Íslenska er best í heimi!!!!!! Actually, there is only a small number of things, you can found on this godforsaken chunk of ice. This number is approximately 5 and includes: Björk, Eidur Gudjohnsen, Sigurs Rós, Geysers and Reykjavik. However, railways can't be found anywhere in this state. As a matter of fact, it obviously sucks. Iceland's independence is denied by Danish scientists, because it's basically a floating iceberg volcano, and therefore does not fulfill their requirement of a fixed location. Throughout history, this uncertainty of location has proven fatal to many nordic explorers seeking the island that was then called Thule, which was rumoured to be uninhabited, except for invisible Celtic monks and a cuddly little cat living in a geothermal powerplant which was built by the monks. The cat was especially selected because of it's calm demeanor in the face of environmentalist terrorist attacks. This calmness can be explained by the terrorists' love for animals. This arrangement is just one example of the infinite wisdom of the Celtic monks. Unlike most of the bullshit on this site, this is actually true.

Contents[hide]
1 History
2 War
3 Politics
4 People
5 Weapon-Technology
6 Björk
7 Language
8 Geography
9 Fauna Spotlight
10 Economy
11 Sport
11.1 Snow peeing
11.2 Drunk driving
11.3 Being really strong
11.4 Water-skiing
11.5 Handball
11.6 Penguin throwing
12 Education in Iceland
13 Foods
14 Drinks
15 National Anthem
16 Famous Icelandians
17 See also
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History
CHRIS, PETER GET BACK TO BLOODY WORK - GLUEY
In the early Icelandic age, nobody lived in Iceland, the place was a huge, lifeless iceberg. In 1894 AD a group of Japanese penguins were exiled from their country (Japan), due to lack of intelligence. These peguins looked for an another home, unluckly faith has turned the back on them by bringing them to iceland. These penguins settled in Iceland, most of them died of boredom (this time Known as the First Great Depression). The descendants of the Survivors are the common retarded Icelandic penguins. And some cofee was added to kill a mustard.
Human inhabitation of Iceland first began during the War of the Roses in England when King Henry VIII decreed: "Anyone whosoever doeth slander the high name of the Kingly Throne shalt be sentenced to exile on that crappy northern island"(e.g. q.e.d 1345'34.5). And so all slanderers of the throne first were branded with a mark "I slander" on their foreheads and then banished to the new penal colony. Soon there was a sizeable colony in Iceland since all 1,009,348 wives of Henry VIII were also banished. The penguins fought against the oppressive king on the side of the Tudors, and so Mary Queen of Scots ascended the throne after the slaughter of Henry. Mary, an escapee from "that crappy northern island," recreated parliment with her penguin allies and this tradition holds today. Also she changed the name of her home from "that crappy northern island" to Iceland in order to incorporate the name of its inhabitants into a less abrasive stigma.
Iceland almost won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1990 (fourth place). Ferrets conquered Iceland for a brief period in 2002 until the FBI got their act together, stopped playing with the geothermal cat and threatened the ferrets with a bong, which, as any FBI agent worth his salt knows, is a ferreterror.

In 1999 the leading Icelandic Supermarket, and thereby the strongest force in Icelandic politics, Kringlan (the pringle), gathered every farmer in Reykjavík to a state council and encouraged them to go off on a war with their grand enemy, the americans, commonly known as "kanamellurnar". No one has heard from them since. The story says that in a fright of delivering foreign culture, the Federal Boat Investigation (better known as FBI) did what they could to eliminate that plausible threat. Because of them not returning, Iceland lost a dramatically large percentage of their masculine breed. That is said to be the start of a generation called “Icelandic feminists”, who fought for the rights of who-men and masculine women to replace the farmers' duties. Iceland provided Penguin Soldiers for The Great Penguin war in the area now known as
The North Pole.

Some famous people from Iceland: Hasselhoff - The son of Odinn George Bush - The son of a sheep The Rockstar supernova crew Sílvía Night
Iceland has been mentioned in the Jay Leno show. Therefore he has been made an honorary citizen of Iceland.

Archeologists have now discovered that Iceland was actually settled by the Persians. Mixing it up with the local population (nativus islandicus) they became known as rubber barrons, or Trojans.

In response to the Nazi occupation of Denmark in 1940 Iceland was occupied by the British. They soon discovered that Iceland of that time was severely underdeveloped with regard to humor, and therefore traded it to the United States, which had a similarly uncivilized humor. This marked a beginning of a great culture flow of Icelandic ideas to America, especially television broadcasting, and Iceland can in large part be blamed for the sad state of american film and television culture, with notable attacks such as Halldór Laxness' failed attempt to create a Hollywood movie and the malicious injection of Icelandic singing into the final credits of Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers.

In 2432, Iceland was captured by the Galactic Empire in a major dance-off with the Rebel Alliance, cutting off the Rebel's supply of attack beavers. This forced the Icelandic Republic of Icelandia to invoke the Smirnoff protocol and take off every zig for great justice.

War
Iceland recently kidnapped Kerry Katona to promote their war effort against the United Kingdom. Much pro-Iceland propaganda can be seen on UK televisions, such as naked men "buming" each other in a violent and bloody way, and the 'shops' known as Iceland are actually war factories that are, behind closed doors, manufacturing tanks, planes, guns, ammuntion, soldiers and nuclear warheads. Any food bought from there must be thrown away immediatly as they have been sprayed with a radioactive poison. Unfortunatly nobody told the Russian spy, Alexander Litvinenko, not to eat the mince pie bought from Iceland. Many shows are live broadcasted from Iceland for exicutional purpose for example , Jón Ólafs , Stelpurnar , Eldsnögt með Jóa Fel.

Politics

Unfortunately, due to the Icelandic habit of eating tourists, they are not popular, especially in Britain. This led to a surge in anti-Icelandic sentiment in the 1980s

In 2046, Icelandic witch Björk and her army of bionic clones (Nylon) successfully crushed the former government of Iceland in a secret coup, and captured the castle by weakening their enemies with blood curdling banshee screams, and lighting everything on fire that moved, or did otherwise. The dictator himself, Fat Guy From TV, met his demise at the dexterous hands of

Björk when she cast a Level 78 Fire Soul Bird upon him. The UN suspects Björk has illegally leveled herself up by duplicating and consuming Rare Candy.
Silvia Night, leads a rebel army (Silvia skiluru Party) planning to overthrow Björk and her evil servants (the girls from Nylon). Silvia for president skiluru!!!

Because of glaciers melting, the Iceland government decide to change the country's name to Fireland. The new name will appear in official documents from 2010, because the government leader Bjork has bought train ticket to Iceland on 31 November 2009 (there was a special rates for this date for Boston-Reykjavik line). Bjork doesn't want to rebook her ticket because it is expensive... so the new name will be valid from 1st January 2010.

People
The population of Iceland is extremely varied and heterogenic, and is made up entirely of Assassin Ninja Penguins (Spheniscidae Eudyptes Ninjitsu). The overall population density is 2.7 Penguin per sq km (7.1 per sq mi). The human population of Iceland (2006 official count) is exactly 300.000 and is expected to remain stable because it is easy to remember. People with red haircolor are not included in this statistic and other minorities will possibly be excluded in the future. The cause of the low population density of Iceland may be explained in part by the unattractive name, but large government projects on global warming are expected to make the name more attractive. Icelandic humans can be categorized in three groups: Most are cranky and spend their life going over their family history, most younger one's have given up to the evil forces of hnakkar and become orange and dyed their hair blonde, but a few oddballs are obsessed with world domination, and seem to succeed every time, simply because foreigners find the idea of an Icelandic entrepeneur so silly, and therefore are caught offguard when some bank grants the Icelandic entrepeneur a loan, based on a business plan of doing the exact same thing as their competitors, the only difference being that the Icelandic company is under the management of an Icelandic entrepenour, who by the current definition succeeds every time. Since the 1936 ban on Jews and Blacks in Iceland, White pimps have become increasingly prominent. Some have even taken political positions, as seen in this 1999 post-election rally: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFB4U-OLptE

Iceland also prides itself in being the only European nation in the world still reproducing and not accumulating old people. Iceland's currency is Penguin-poo. This currency is created at local penguin farms. The automated poo-pump which is placed at the rectum of the penguin sucks the poo out and transfers it to the head Igloo. There has been reports of illegal penguin farms, which is agains the rules written in year 1780.

An Icelandic male
Weapon-Technology
Iceland has one of the most advanced penguin weaponry, the most advanced weapon is the T.S.U which stand for Tiny Snowball Unit. these Snowballs are about 5cm in diameter and they are 1cm smaller than the average snowball. The T.S.U provides tough competition to Iceland's arch enemy, the snow squirrels, until 2002, when the T.S.U was invented, common icelandic people had lived in a reign of terror and none of them were brave enough to face the mighty snow squirrels.

The Icelandic army has also utilized the power and durability of polar bears. They genetically enhanced a group of polar bears to have extremely powerful gravity fields to pull anything near them onto their bodies, creating a shield of debris around the bear. This self repairs due to the constant stream of debris collected. These enhanced polar bears, code-named SAMS (Specialized Assault Meat Shield) are used in combination with T.S.U's to swamp enemies during trench warfare.

Björk
Björk rules the country. She retains her position of power by Divine Right, and when that is not sufficient, she lets out a primitive roar. CD recordings of such events are popular export and has sometimes been described as musical.
The letter in her name "ö" is to show she has very small eyes and likes to show people what's she currently eating.

Language
Björkish was made the official language of Iceland when Björk became the warmongering fascist dictator peace loving High Priestess of Iceland. A research team of linguists has been assigned to analyse the code of murmurs and high pitched squeaks, but progress is slow due to the team's loss of hearing.

The unofficial language, Icelandic, is entirely unvoiced and oddly has no word for "sleep-through-the weekend in the summertime". It is closely related to the "Ainu" language of the natives in Japan. The most used Icelandic sentence is "Ha?" which can be translated as "What did you say?", the second most popular - or famous - sentence is "Dúfnahólar 10", which is used as a punchline in all Icelandic jokes. Most of the roadsigns you see in Iceland say "Blindhæð". Translated into English, this means "You can't see what's coming on this piece of sh*t road". Other famous jokes are: "Hey, hvað ertu að gera þarna tómatsósan þín?" loosely translated into "Heterosexual Gangrape", "Andlitslyfting", loosely translated to "Fuck you ninja"

Geography
Iceland is home to the largest Glacier on an Island in the North Atlantic (except Greenland) called "Vatnajokull" (lit. "Water Glacier"--Icelanders are renowned for their creative use of language) as well as many active volcanoes. In 1996, Björk's good friend Tori Amos visited iceland, and Tori was so inspired by the varied landscape of Iceland that she created an album out of the sounds of hot springs gurgling and the glaciers melting and cracking, due to global warming. It was named "Boys for Pele" -after the famous volcano goddess in Icelandic Mythology, Pele.

The best thing to do if you ever get lost in the woods in Iceland is to stop drinking, stand up, and go home.

Fauna Spotlight
A favourite snack in Iceland is the Penguin. These defenceless birds are caught by installing streetlights, which they mistake for the moon. The birds become so confused they eventually fall into boiling cauldrons kept below the streetlights.
During winter a special month-long puffin festival is held, where local people eat nothing but puffin and drink a homemade spirit called Black Death. During summer it's the people who do the puffin and the puffins that eat. Mostly leftovers from the single McDonalds, that opened in Reykjavik in 2004.

The most dangerous animal found in Iceland is the lesser known killer puffin (lat: puffinus killerus , e. Puff Diddy). Has no known natural enemies and feeds off whales, sheep and cured shark meat. Has been known to attack American male tourists (lat: touristus ignoramus americanus) looking for Icelandic females.
National Bird of Iceland, the Kitten Huffin' Puffin

Economy
Traditionally, Iceland's economy subsisted mostly on the export of pixie dust and magical services. However, with the arrival of the Bubonic plague in the early 1940s, most magical beings in Iceland became extinct, or moved to Helsinki.
Currently, Icelanders use wit for currency, which means the smart people become rich and prosperous allowing for more offspring to pass on the intelligence, therefore a sort of evolutionary Darwinism of intelligence is happening. Most of the wealth is, however, originally generated by nomadic hunters and gatherers who scrape the tundra for reindeer fur, which in turn are processed into jokes about foreigners and sold in souvenir-shops.

Elf slavery was a big part of the country's economy until late 20th century, when a group of elf-slaves (Slalfes) from a fishfactory where bought by an Entertainment-mogul, Kári Stefánsson, who intended to use his newly-formed "slalfe" polka band to entertain at children-parties and at funerals. This experiment went terribly wrong when the band "Kári´s polka-slalfes & co" started their own underproject going by the name FreeUsElves (sigur-rós in icelandic), writing songs in elvish, icelandic and korean, protesting against elf slavery and high alcohol taxes.
The band is made up of 7 ex-slave-elves, named Gandálfur, Jónsi, Guttormur, and the rest of the band all have the name Trausti. (except for Bjarni, his name is Stefán) The newest album is called Takk... (onomatopeic term for thunder) and is their way to show the old slave-keepers the finger although they have none (elves do not have fingers (exept for Bjarni)). The elf slavery was soon abandoned after the word of this group spread around the world.

Today, Sigur-rós brings more cash in to the economy of iceland than the elf-slave-factories did before. People are flocking from all around the world to go elf-hunting in the highlands of Iceland and with the hope of getting the BIGprice, shooting down a member of this trouble-making elfband. Their polka tunes still are popular though in northen europe and rumour has it that an Italian teacher, Marenda Kúka shot down the band´s drummer in june 2004, collecting more then 600 kilos of raw hot-dogs as a reward. This, however, has not been confirmed; as there never was any beat in this band, no-one can really tell if the drummer is dead or alive.
Sigur-rós´s best known tracks are: Mary-Kate Ashley, Untitled #17, Untitled #15, Steel and a knife, and the most famous one, "I kind of have a nosebleed"

Sport
Iceland is famous for its sporting events. Curdling is a sport based on the sweeping of puffins on ice. Knurd, which is the throwing of sheep while intoxicated. Lava jumping and cod throwing are also popular. One factor in common with all healthy Icelanders is a daily sip of Lysi which contains pure fish oil and was widely used as a form of torture until the recipe was changed to include [[. Some criticize the flavour, but research indicates that the fish oil's only benefit is built on the principle of "What doesn't kill you, may still get you drunk".

Snow peeing
Snow peeing is the most active sport in all of Iceland. You are supposed to make drawings in the snow of Einar the real president. There are no known records of how to actually win this game, so unless the contestants agree on the winner when they run out of pee or become tired, the dispute is settled in physical confrontation.

Drunk driving
Jón "idiot" Keplan from Straumsvík is a legend in drunk driving. The sport is originally from Kópavogur but Jón made revolutionary changes to the game that have resulted in Kópavogur declaring war on Straumsvík on several occations. Still, the common concensus amongst experts is that the changes to the rules have made the sport more appealing to young people. Instead of scoring the most points by merely bumping pedestrians, the participant drives close to it, bombarding the horn and shouting various profanities at it. The score is determined by a mean between how far the pedestrian runs and for how long. Getting the pedestrian to freeze in terror gives extra points according to how long he stays in that state. For this reason, old people are generally considered the most appealing targets. Disputes about results are common in this sport since the direct aim is to be in a mental state of drunken frenzy while participating. As with most disputes in Iceland, a fight to the death is expected.

Being really strong
Jon Paul the first Icelandic REAL man won the title "Strongest Man in The World" - in the 20.century. He now resides in heaven to the right side of God, where he will judge between living and asswooped in the coming armageddon.

Water-skiing
Icelanders have an annual water-ski contest, whoever reaches the Faroe Islands first, gets to stay there! Although, their skis are made of chopped icebergs, only 1/10 of their skis are above water which makes it even more difficult. No one has ever won the contest, sponsored by Smyril Line.

Handball
In Iceland, handball is the 3rd most popular sport and when the national team competes in the world cup (which nobody knows about), everybody loses their minds. The world cup has helped making projects for construction workers but has been criticized for being out of touch with the true Icelandic cultural norm with excess physical exercise and cunning.

Penguin throwing
this was a really popular sport, wich was only played by rich and famous people like Bjork and Eidur Smari, untill it was banned by the japanees penguin settlers in 1994. The last national competition was in 1992 and was won by Jón Sigurðsson´s ghost, who threw the penguin about 64 meters. He is still the nationalrecord holder or Íslandsmeistari.

Education in Iceland
Education in Iceland is really lacking in many senses:
All the students are high on whoremones.
All the teachers are illiterate.
All schools are like way to different from Menntaskólinn Hraðbraut (possibly with the exception of Menntaskólinn Hraðbraut).
“School? Isn't that like not working for poor people?”
~ Björk on Icelandic schools
Students at Versló often sleep with hookers at a young age, and as they are learning-ly impaired they don't use sheep intestine as condoms, ergo they have a lot of shit and crap in their bodies.
“I hate it; when ever I go to the bathroom it hurts so frickin' much. I wish I hadn't had sex with that cheap hooker... man I could go for one of those right now. Mmmm.. Hookers..”
~ Student on hookers

Foods
Þorramatur is an old national tradition. Þorramatur could for example be, sour lamb balls, rotten shark, burned sheep heads, blood sausages, dry fish with butter and many other delicious courses. The preparation for Þorramatur is slowly dying in a regular household, and people mostly eat it at a restaurant and such. The preparations can be described in four easy steps:
The carcasses of sheep, sharks and whale can usually be found on the few roads that are on Iceland.
Store them in giant barrels of sour milk. Then bury the barrels in January. Wait until March.
Dig up the barrels in March and eat the contents. To ensure you do not die from the amount of hybrid bacteria, or burn a hole in your intestines, you must consume heavy amounts of the traditional brennivín (burning wine) to kill the bacteria, the taste and hopefully your conciousness.
When drunk and with a acid reeking hole in your stomach, try to get laid.
Rinse and repeat.

Drinks
Egils Appelsín. This unique beverage does wonders for peoples hair, and is often used as shampoo. It gives a rare glistening shine, although the smell leaves something to be desired. Or you could just drink it, but it tastes funny. Also a common drink is Malt. If you mix Egils Appelsín and Malt, you get Egils Malt&Appelsín, which is also a common drink in Iceland, especially around easter and christmas.
Thule Beer, which is the only known reason why the original Norse viking settlers decided to sail there, and was also a necessity to maintain the Celtic slave population. Beer and slavery vere made illegal in 1989, but the next government didn't like that. Beer was allowed immediately, but slavery is still being discussed in Alþingi, the worlds oldest parliament. A temporary solution is the import of workers from Eastern Europe and Asia to build enourmous concrete monuments to the current government, which aims to rival the Pyramids in Egypt.

National Anthem
The Icelandic National Anthem really sucks. It really really sucks. When Iceland competes in international competitions where the National Anthem is required to be played before a match, it is usually frowned upon and laughed at. Iceland's solution to this problem is that it is never ever played in Iceland. Ever.

Hæ hó, jibbí jei og jibbí og jei,
öll lönd sökka nema Ísland,
Íslendingar eru sterkastir
og stærstirog flottastir
og æðislegastir
og þeir 0wnz þig n00b!

English translation:
Hi ho, yibbee yay o' yibbee o' yay,
all countries suck except Iceland,
Icelanders are strongestand biggest
and coolest
and best
and they 0wnz you n00b!

What is believed to be an earlier form of the anthem has recently been discovered by the ministry of love, but its authenticity is disputed.

Famous Icelandians
Penguins
Pingu
Björk
The Polar Bear
Sub-Zero
The icelandic grammar monster
Sportacus
Darth Vader
Robby Rotten
The Burger King
Arni the Wizard
ÁRMANN
Monehh
Keiko the Whale

See also
Surtsey, Icelandic colony
Anti-Icelandic sentiment
Baggalútía
Bjork
New Bjork City
Dabbi Icelandic Folk Tale
Raufarhöfn